time went by and we both had new experiences. while i spent a lot of
my time with my best friends, i also searched to find
something to replace the aching space in my heart that needed to be filled.
the space in my heart that i had filled with andy.
so i dated. a lot. weren't these the "experiences" i was meant to have? experiencing who i was without andy, who i was with other people? looking back now, i realize what i was doing. i was searching for a replacement. someone who came close to the gentle, sweet and caring person i found in andy. i didn't know it then, but i would never meet anyone as true and rare as he was. he set the standards too high and no one would ever compare.
there were times in the beginning of our time apart while i was seeing other people, that out of pure selfishness, i would call him, tell him i needed to see him and he would be there in a minute. it was as if i needed a reassurance that i hadn't completely lost him. that he was still there when i needed or wanted him to be. but it was only on my terms and it wasn't fair. so after about a year of this pushing and pulling i did with him and his heart, he bravely told me he couldn't do it anymore. it only hurt him and he needed to move on.
so he cut me off. entirely. he stopped responding to any form of communication i tried. he went off to school at millersville university and began his life. without me.
i was still in high school and he was in a new city. making new friends. having new experiences. isn't this what i wanted? for him to not be held back by me? to enjoy college and pursue his dreams? it now felt like i was living through our break up all over again. but from the other side. and it wasn't fun.
once i learned he was in a new relationship, it hurt my heart even more. i was experiencing the same pain he felt when he saw me with someone new. and it was awful. i never knew the truth behind the saying "the grass isn't always greener on the other side," until i experienced it first hand.
as more time went by without any communication with him, i thought i had finally found my happiness in someone new. someone i ironically saw a tiny bit of andy in. of course, like many of my relationships after him, my comparing of them to him would cause tension in the relationship. lots of fighting. something i wasn't used to, because with andy, everything was easy. it didn't matter who i was with, i never stopped thinking about him.
but with the constant push from my family and friends who continued to say, "andy has moved on. you will never get back together, so you should too," i felt pressure to give up on him and settle for the life i now had with this new person i found. someone i thought was the closest thing i would ever have to andy. so i followed him to college at bloomsburg university. and after a year of dating during our senior year of high school, and only a month after starting college together, things ended badly.
as i sat with my roommate in pain from the hurt i was experiencing, the only person i wanted was andy. i begged my roommate to call him from her phone, praying he would answer. and he did. and after a year of no communication, he sat on the phone with me while i shared with him the pain i was going through. he listened. he comforted me. he was there for me. after all that time. after everything i had done to him. he was still there for me when i needed him.
...the story continues with PART FOUR: OUR SECOND BEGINNING.
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