a handful of reasons came into play for my lack of motivation to give it my all and push.
1.) i was terrified, so so so tired and every time i held my breath and pushed, i swore my head would explode. 2.) the baby was in his usual spot, on my left for the first 30 minutes, so every time i would bear down to push, i felt his whole body crush my ribs on the left. we tried pushing while i layed on my right side to get him to fall more into the middle. it took awhile, but he repositioned and i felt relief in my ribs. 3.) i was pushing for an hour while continually hearing my sister and bethany say, "i see him, his head is right there!" but that was it, they just kept saying that, but there was no progress that i could feel. i swore to them all he was stuck. i screamed over and over that he was "coming out of my butthole, he isn't coming out the right way, he is stuck!" the pressure was like nothing i have ever felt. and every time i rested in between pushes i felt like he would explode out the wrong hole. (my apologies for tmi)
bethany could tell i was lacking motivation so she called gae to see if she could come give me a little extra confidence. i took a break from pushing and the first thing i thought to do was make sure andy was okay. i had looked over at him during moments of pushing and his face was in his arms. i didn't know it at the time, but he later told me he was in tears and didn't want me to see because he couldn't bear to watch me go through anymore pain. he hid it really well because when i asked him if he was okay, he stayed strong and just responded calmly that he was fine and i was doing so well, to keep strong.
after checking on andy, i apologized to everyone in the room for being so vocal and loud. i didn't feel like i had control over what my body was doing and i didn't want anyone to get upset with what was happening, watching me stuggle. i wanted to be strong for everyone.
i felt the urge to push and decided to start up again. i gave a few big pushes and the baby's head started surfacing more. bethany announced what had happened and my mom, excited for what was going to come, jumped up to look. well i guess i got offended by her staring at my lady parts and i quickly lashed out, "mom, can you not?!" this was one of only two times i got angry without control during my labor and delivery. the other came not long after the first, when i freaked out on my sister for holding my leg to close to my head. i was at my breaking point i suppose.
gae couldn't have entered at a better time. she walked in and asked what was going on. i replied in tears, feeling defeated that i couldn't do it. she bluntly replied back, "well, i'm not going to get this baby out, you have to do it. and you will. now let go of your husband's hand, grab your legs and push!" i didn't want to let go of andy's hand, but he never let me go, he held my head up supporting my efforts to bear down and push. it wasn't 10 minutes into gae being in the room that she started to put her delivery gear on. in between a push i asked if he was coming and she responded with, "i don't put these on for no reason!" that was the motivation i needed.
the next several pushes i gave it my all. i screamed louder than i have in my life, yelling for gae to "stretch me and get him out now!" and in a blurry mater of seconds i felt his head make it through. i needed to stop so they could clear his airways of any fluids or meconium. then i pushed one last time and his body came flying out. immediately i ripped my gown off so my chest was bear and yelled for them to put him on me. but i instinctively reached down between my legs and grabbed him, placing him on my chest myself.
the exact moment i finally met my little boy.
he was screaming until his warm, tiny body laid down on me, our eyes met and he smiled. i kissed him, crying with so much love and reached for andy, who was just as much of a crying mess as i was, and he came to kiss him. this was a moment i could live, stuck in forever.
our family. the three of us.
after 16 hours of labor, 1.5 hours of pushing, it was now 9:28 am on march 5. there was so much happening in the room, but for me, it was just the three of us. my little family. myself, andy and our perfect, healthy baby boy, crosley james mattrick.
after our delayed cord clamping was complete, andy cut the cord and crosley was taken across the room to be checked for meconium inhalation, weighed and measured. he scored an almost perfect apgar score, weighed 7.3 lbs and measured 19.5 inches. much smaller than any of us expected, but healthy as could be.
andy stayed by my side, just kissing my head, hugging me, praising me for my strength. in reality, i could have never done it without him. from the day i met him, he has been my rock. together we have made it through many milestones, obstacles, challenges and triumphs, but nothing compares to the success we shared in the creation and birth of our greatest accomplishment, our son. my love grew tenfold that day for this man of my dreams. and it's all because of the love we share for our baby.
i am so thankful for the support and presence of both my mom and sister as well. it is a memory i know neither of them will forget and it makes me smile to know i was able to share this with them.
No comments:
Post a Comment